Of Weasels and Eagles

After much pain and frustration I think I have learnt the secret to success at work. I wouldn’t recommend this for anything other than work. If someone associated with my personal life acted like this, I would slap them. Hard.

There are a couple of sayings that kind of sum up what I’m getting at. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” “Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable” While the former is what happens, the latter is what one should live by. Helps keep the disappointment at a minimum.

There’s a reason why ‘passionate’ is never used to describe veterans. Increased exposure to the rest of humanity isn’t pretty. As someone else put it, “Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups” or in management for that matter. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never worked in a ‘fun job’ but I’ve always noticed that the ones that last in most companies are usually the weasels. Don’t get me wrong, some of them are really a lot of fun, but they still qualify for the term “weasel”. There are some who’ve elevated it to an art form. Being the enlightened few, they’ve figured out early exactly what will happen to them if they show the least sign of initiative or creativity. It’s like that arcade game with the moles and the hammer. Every time a mole pop’s it’s head up, you whack it with the hammer. In real life Pavlov’s theory would kick in but in the game the moles being the suckers for punishment that they are, keep popping up even faster. Give them a brain and the game would be over in one maybe two rounds. Self preservation is a wonderful thing.

I guess middle management's whole role is to drain the life force out of everyone under their command.  From their attitude, to their procedures, to the colour of paint on their walls! A happy, motivated, creative work force might be poached by competitors, is expensive to retain and is a constant threat to senior management's jobs. But a disillusioned, de-motivated, manic-depressive work force... well, that's just perfect isn't it? Low maintainence, easy to control and sometimes it's as effective a means of destruction of competition as a biological weapon. Nuclear weapons and poisonous gasses have nothing on a depressing, demotivated, complaining colleagues. They can, and I speak from bitter experience, suck the life out of you far more effectively than anything else on this earth. Just think about it from management's perspective for a minute. Depressed and demotivated employees don't drain depratment budgets, it's the happy, high performers that do. Lower pay outs to employees means more money left over! And misery loves company, so wherever they go, it's not happiness and cheer that they're spreading! Like the demetors of Azkaban they will suck out every happy, creative thought from their colleagues wherever they go. Possibly even play such distructive politics that competing teams are thoroughly destroyed! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! What more would anyone want? You're managing well within your budget and your competitor is in shambles! You da Man!

So the secret to success, as I see it, is to keep your head down and do your work and have faith in the essential pettiness that is a large part of any and every employee. Understand here, that there is a very BIG difference between the entrepreneurs that have risked a lot to build what they have and the employees that have piggy backed on that success always ensuring that their respective rear ends have been adequately covered. Always remember, every moment is the dawn of a new error, and when mistakes have been made, someone will get blamed. Do your level best to make sure you have an air tight alibi when that happens. And last but not least, eye-contact is a double edged sword. If you don’t have the bulk to intimidate a pestilential superior, don’t risk the eye-contact. The pettier the opponent, the more likely they are to consider it a threat, or worse! In other words, keep your nose clean and stay below everyone's radar. It's tougher than it looks...

Once again, anyone attempting outside work isn't going to get you very far.

Scandals galore.....

This has been a thrilling couple of months. It's like an early Christmas for the CBI. Seriously if it was a private organisation, I'd be tempted to say it was appraisal time! 4 scams in 2 months! And if the squawk box is to be believed, there are a few more to come. We're literally seeing that whole 'opening a can of worms' scenario playing out. Arrests have been made, leads are being followed and summons being sent left right and centre - with more to come. Unfortunately nothing ever concludes. In the last couple of months we've had the CWG scam, the 2G scam, the MFI scam, the Nira Radia tapes and now the Bribery and Corruption scam. Today the environment ministry jumped on the media bandwagon and have issued show cause notices to 3 listed corporates who summarily tanked! Whole different can of worms there....Now the cases go to court and we wait a couple of decades before the courts decided to

a) let the accused off on bail 

b) fine them a fraction of what they took 

c) throw out the case on a technicality

d) adjourn it further

Pretty standard stuff. Of course no one's really going to bother covering it after a while because something newer and shinier will be there to distract the fourth estate and its avid viewers. Maybe Pamela Anderson will come back to the Big Boss household....you never know.... Other than a passing mention on the 2G scandal, there's been a deafening silence on the MFI mess, the Nira Radia tapes and the CWG scam.

Funnily enough, in the larger scheme of things, the bribery scandal isn't as damaging as the 2G or CWG scams, and certainly no where near as shocking as the Nira Radia tapes. Everyone knows a little something-something flows back. Elemental physics when dealing with liquidity in the real world. What really cracks me up though are the amounts mentioned. Quite frankly they aren't even enough to buy a house in Mumbai! I mean seriously! Roti, kapda and makaan.... well food inflation, September, October and November rains coupled with a severe lack of storage facilities is going to make the roti (and rice) rather pricey, zooming cotton prices and a lively cotton futures market is going to make the kapda expensive and makaan....? Heck don't even get me started on that. Frankly the amounts mentioned might just help them out with the down payment. I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying that the practice of 'chai paani' has been around a lot longer than the bull market. As long as prices keep rising and pensions remain uncertain, people will do their level best to make as much money as they possibly can. Its a self preservation thing. Once you're out of a position of power the law of the jungle takes over. Best plan for that bleak timewhile you still can. We've all seen hockey and athletic stars end up in menial jobs struggling to make their next meal. India is not kind to the weak, the sick or the old. If you're not healthy and rich, you're probably better off dead.

And how could I forget my namesake in North Korea who's happily lobbing everything but the kitchen sink at the South Koreans. They in turn aren't entirely sure what to do about it. Its recession time after all, one must be practical. So you saw the immediate retaliation followed by a flurry of meetings and press conferences. With practically every potential ally struggling to pay their country's debts, they're looking quite lonely out there. Although an all out war is a worry, lets be practical about this. Who's got the cash to afford a war with a megalomaniac dictator? Not such a bright idea now, is it? One needs allies, and right now the allies are rather concerned about whether or not to pull out the old begging bowl. So now Korea has a choice. Does it give in to its baser self and return the favor with interest or does it do the 'right' thing and call for a mediator, go crying to various international agencies blah, blah, blah. Kinda hard to fight fair when your opponent has no such qualms. Oh the price of conformity.....

Good times ahead. Quite the reverse of the calm consolidation that prevailed during my last post. Such fun not knowing what the heck's gonna hit tomorrow. Adios....